6 Things to Do if You Want to be Terrible at Grief Counseling

Recently I lost a good friend, a friend that I considered family. She was my grandmother. A couple of weeks ago without notice she passed away from a stroke. I will never feel another hug or hear her whisper in my ear the words that echo even now, “I love ya.” See, grandma Helen was not my first loss. No, she is just one of many and through these losses I have come to realize that though grief has stages and though grief is inevitable, in the midst of it all, all we can see and feel is the pain. Though I would never claim to be an expert, through these experiences I have picked up on a few things that I should never do or say and below Ryan and I came up with a sort of list of “not to do’s.” So without further ado, the ultimate list of 6 things to do if you want to be terrible at grief counseling!!

1. Throw a great “pity party.” – People don’t need your sympathy as much as they need your empathy. Don’t just stop and stare at people when they suffering. Don’t take snapshots of them – this is NOT a Kodak moment. Avoid “pity phrases” such as:

a) You poor thing!

b) Oh, bless your heart.

c) You must feel awful (no duh).

d) I can tell you’ve been crying.

Unless you are willing to empathize with the grieving person and share the weight of their grief, do not attempt to make that person feel better with hollow words.

2. Bring up your vast life experience – Everyone is different. People generally do not ever go through the “exact same experience.” Even if you have gone through something very similar to what another person is going through, do not be so arrogant as to assert your own experience as the answer to all their problems. Experiences can be helpful to gain insight as to how another person is feeling, but don’t abuse these situations by using your own experience as a platform to preach. If you talk about your experience at all, do it in a non-judgmental way (i.e. “I once felt grief when_______ happened. I don’t know how you feel, but I remember how that felt.)

3. Use it as an opportunity to evangelize the unsaved – People don’t want to be converted when they are grieving. They do not need a gospel tract or a trip down the Romans Road. They need an understanding friend. Perhaps through this encounter the person will be more open to talk about spiritual things later on, but as noble as it may seem, this should not be the goal of grief counseling. If they bring up spirituality, by all means talk about it! But if they don’t, restrain from offering an altar call right then and there. The goal is to love that person the way that Jesus loves them, whether they ever “convert” to Christianity or not.

4. Play the Romans 8:28 card – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” When someone is grieving, that person does not want to hear about how this will turn out for the better. If a kid loses his mom to cancer, I don’t think he is going to want to hear about how it is all going to work out for his good. In his mind, the only good would be if he could get his mom back. While it is true that God can (and does) redeem every situation, he is not the cause of our grief. He hurts when he sees his kids hurting, and sometimes it is our job to hurt along with them without trying to “look at the bright side.”

5. Give an easy answer for all the tough questions – When bad things happen, it is the most natural thing in the world for people to respond by asking, “Why?” Part of the grief process is to question things, doubt your doubts, and arrive at a deeper understanding through a long process of wandering through the thick of life’s hardest questions. There is no “quick fix” answer to some of these questions, and like a moth emerging from its cocoon, it is of utmost importance to let the process run its course. On top of this, when most people ask questions they do not want the answers. They are mostly rhetorical, and no answer (even the most theologically informed one) will satisfy their “Why?”

6. Only Care for a Week – Grief lasts longer than a week. When most people hear that someone has died or something terrible has happened, they come in throngs to the people who are hurting with food and condolences and things of that nature. However, after a week or so, the urgency starts to fade and people who were saying, “I’m here for you” begin to drop off the face of the earth.

The most precious thing that we can give others is ourselves. Even amidst all the hurt, tears, questions, and stages of grief, we can provide the friendship and presence necessary for healing to occur. They don’t need answers or a barrage of words and answers. Our mere presence speaks louder than our condolences ever could. The best thing to do when grief strikes is to say, “No, I don’t understand what you are going through, and I don’t know why it happened or why God let it happen. But know this: I am here for you now. You do not have to carry that grief all by yourself. You are NOT alone.”

After grandma Helen’s funeral we went to the gravesite and after the pastor gave a few words we were “dismissed.” I then walked over to hug the family and say my “goodbyes,” but before I left I paused. I paused by the casket for a final glance and there I found my greatest comfort. My former pastor, Al, put his arm around me and just stood there. He said, “this is hard isn’t it?” and I said with angry tears that, "I am just sick of losing people." He then told me words that I will never forget, He said, “love is a risk, and you sure loved a lot.” These words may seem minor, but to me they meant the world. He, without trying to fix me, understood me.